tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2009-11-12:/Rambling is goodMokoFeed2009-11-12T12:25:36+01:00tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-11-04:/2008/11/04/ready-for-christmas-yet-4983316/Laurence20042008-11-04T17:01:12+01:002008-11-17T14:47:47+01:00 <p>No of course not, but here's something to get you in the mood, a mere 6 weeks early.</p> </p> <p><strong>Today's Music Widget</strong></p> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/11/04/ready-for-christmas-yet-4983316/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-11-04:/2008/11/04/electionism-4982640/Laurence20042008-11-04T14:30:10+01:002008-11-04T14:30:10+01:00 <p>So who's going to win? Will it be the old one, or the black one?</p> <p>These labels aren't very helpful, as they don't give us any insight into what the candidates are really all about. One supports a futile war, and one doesn't. One has run a successful election campaign, and one hasn't. One has picked a strange, crazy running mate (honestly, would you want this lady as second in command?!)</p> </p> <p>... and one hasn't.</p> <p>It sounds like it's a done deal, and yet there's this nagging doubt that by this time tomorrow the american people might have done something silly. Anything can happen in politics.</p> <p>In other news, there's an impending sense of deja vu as Jeremy Clarkson takes his turn at being hauled over the coals by the BBC licence paying public. He's had over 200 complaints about a joke he told in which he suggested that all lorry drivers like to kill prostitutes (this was a reference to the lorry driver Steve Wright, who has killed five of them). Some people obviously didn't think this was very funny. Here we go again, then.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/11/04/electionism-4982640/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-11-03:/2008/11/03/in-the-world-4976917/Laurence20042008-11-03T17:01:19+01:002008-11-03T17:01:19+01:00 <p>Saturday was spent in the carvernous halls of Earls Court London, quite probably one of the biggest exhibition spaces... In The World! It was hosting a car show called MPH, which to be honest I didn't have a vast amount of interest in. There's only so much effort I feel I can devote to staring at car engines and going "Hmm, yes. Large." Naturally, the place was rammed full of petrol heads peering at motor vehicles and wondering if it could possibly be legal to marry one. In the next few days there will undoubtedly be hundreds of photo albums popping up on Facebook with titles like 'Me With a Ferrari! Look, I'm Touching It.'</p> <p>I was there for cars, but in the slightly more populist and accesible format of Top Gear Live.</p> <p><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/802/2956802_cfdffe4b47_s.jpg" alt="top gear 2" hspace="5" vspace="5"></p> <p>This was possibly the loudest show... In The World! Jezza Clarkson, May and Hammond were all on hand to banter and generally insult the audience's taste in cars and fashion sense. They tired o make it as much like the TV show as possible, with many familiar segments like 'Cool Wall' and 'Star In A Reasonably Priced Car' (if you've not see Top Gear you'll have no idea what any of that means, but hey. Tough).</p> <p>To be honest it didn't quite all hang together, and ended up being lesser than the sum of its parts, which did include some truly spectacular driving in quite a tight space, and many a silly moment featuring the Top Gear team doing what they do best (in their words, 'cocking about').</p> <p>The best part was the finale, featuring the infamous Stig, who it seems is no longer content with just driving quickly and now wants a <em>real</em> challenge. So, the closing sequence featured Mr Stig battling against some evil foes, including this guy...</p> <p><a title="top gear 1" href="http://www.blog.co.uk/media/photo/top_gear_1/2956801"><img src="http://data5.blog.de/media/801/2956801_354e8fbb10_s.jpg" alt="top gear 1" hspace="5" vspace="5"></a><br> ... who burst out the top of an oil tanker, breathing fire everywhere. Truly a spectacular end to a hit-and-miss show.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/11/03/in-the-world-4976917/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-10-30:/2008/10/30/que-blimey-4956374/Laurence20042008-10-30T14:51:28+01:002008-10-30T14:51:28+01:00 <p>Ooh look!</p> <p>Georgina, granddaughter of Andrew Sachs, seems to be cashing in on what yesterday she was describing as a horrible, shameful joke on a lovely, harmless man. Or something along those lines. She's splashed across the front page of today's Sun newspaper, giving details of her and Russell Brand's liaison, even revealing that Brand yelled out 'Que?' in bed! Which seems a strange thing to yell out to me, even if it was Manuel's catchphrase, but there we are. I wonder how much revenge money she scooped for that then?</p> <p>I'm very sad that David Tennant will be leaving Doctor Who at the end of 2009, but it is probably the right decision. Nobody wants an actor to outstay their welcome in a part, and actors don't want to be forever associated with one role, to the point where they are unable to play anything else, like a soap actor who has performed the same character for 20 years. In fact, now might be a gtood time for Leslie Grantham to resurrect his career and take his place as the next Timelord, giving us 'Dirty' Doctor Den. I think it would be an interesting new direction for the show. Or perhap they should cast Alan Carr, for something completely different.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/10/30/que-blimey-4956374/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-10-29:/2008/10/29/russell-bland-4950181/Laurence20042008-10-29T14:17:05+01:002008-10-29T15:22:11+01:00 <p>This is ridiculous. Who are these 18,000 people who have complained to the BBC, and even the police, about the Brand and Ross debacle? I suspect that more than 75% of the complainers haven't even <a href="http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=U7IHJ66wj9g">heard it</a>, and it is the newspapers (particularly the ever-reliable Daily Mail) who have been excitedly whipping up a storm. "A chance to take the overpaid Jonathan Ross down a peg or two? Yes please!"</p> <p>Jonathan Ross is indeed overpaid, but please don't hide behind the classic 'this isn't what I pay my licence fee for...' excuse. The BBC's output is massive. VAST. If you don't want to listen to Ross and Brand pushing boundries and, to be honest, taking it a bit too far, then there are literally hundreds of hours of alternative programming that you can seek solace in.</p> <p>The whole thing was rather misjudged. Andrew Sachs is from a different era and would undoubtedly have found the answerphone messages upsetting. The main fault I think lies with the BBC editor who green-lighted the show for broadcast. He should have anticipated these problems, so discipline him/her, publicly slap Brand and Ross on the wrist, apologise to Sachs, and let's all move on.</p> <p>In the spirit of people being unpleasant to other people, there's been an astonishing backlash to Peaches Geldof's latest foray into journalism for Nylon magazine. It does seem slightly odd that a privileged (not really her fault) 19 year old with no life experience should be made a columnist. It's a bit like these young 'celebrities' who rush out autobiographies when they clearly don't yet have much of a life to talk about (Chantelle from Big Brother, anyone?). Take a little look at <a href="http://www.nylonmag.com/?section=article&parid=2154">Peaches' Column</a>. Go on, you know you want to. Can someone tell me what it's actually <em>about</em>? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/10/29/russell-bland-4950181/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-09-26:/2008/09/26/change-it-again-4783569/Laurence20042008-09-26T14:34:48+02:002008-09-26T14:34:48+02:00 <p>When you're writing about general topics and life experiences on a blog for some reason it gets harder and harder to think of things to say, and so your gap between posts tends to get larger and larger. You may have noticed!</p> <p>So, I have come up with a blog template where I simply <em>don't</em> have to strain to come up with new topics all the time. Introducing...</p> <p><a href="http://lozzatheshone.blogspot.com/">Lorenzo Musico</a>! Odd title, really. I might change it. Anyway, in each post I'll put up three new (or not so new) tunes for people to listen to. And... that's it! I love music, and after much trial and error all the technical gubbins seems to be working, so please hop over to check it out. Post comments if you like the tunes too. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/09/26/change-it-again-4783569/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-09-23:/2008/09/23/it-s-a-blainey-day-4767256/Laurence20042008-09-23T12:40:53+02:002008-09-23T12:40:53+02:00 <p>He's doing it again. David Blaine is inventing yet more ways to punish his body and mind while bored onlookers throw things at him. Actually, the 'throwing things' bit was just us Brits, as we tend to be less impressed by such things.</p> <p>It's no wonder he now sounds permenantly drunk or brain damaged every time he gets interviewed. Just to recap, he has:</p> <p>Buried himself alive<br> Trapped himself in a huge block of ice<br> Stood on top of a 90ft pillar<br> Encased himself in a perspex box above the Thames<br> Submerged himself in a bubble of water for a week</p> <p>As if all these things weren't enough he is, as I write, hanging upside down on a wire somewhere in New York. He could risk, among other things, permenant muscle damage, blindness and, er, death. He calls himself an endurance artist, but I could think of a few other more accurate descriptions. For your next stunt David, why don't you:</p> <p>Eat your own legs<br> Repeatedly run yourself over with a Ford Focus<br> Do the running of the bulls in Pamplona blindfolded and shackled to a filing cabinet<br> Call Gordon Ramsay gay</p> <p>Good luck to you! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/09/23/it-s-a-blainey-day-4767256/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-08-29:/2008/08/29/truly-scrumptious-4654076/Laurence20042008-08-29T15:27:32+02:002008-08-29T15:27:32+02:00 <p>Last night I was sat in a darkened auditorium for two hours watching Aled Jones, among others, sing about his feelings and prance around the stage with a commendable lack of self consciousness. This was Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the sickly sweet musical with more spectacle than one human being can reasonably handle in one evening.</p> <p>You're sat there thinking "Well yes, this is all very nice, the tunes are jolly, the sets are all big and colourful, and... LOOK, IT'S A BLOODY FLYING CAR!!" It doesn't matter how old you are, the overall affect is exactly the same. It's the only prop I've ever seen to get a spontaneous round of applause, and although you can see the mechanism if you look carefully enough, it's damn clever as it swoops and soars over the stage.</p> <p>In other news, we have my mother in law visiting at the moment, so that's going to mean lots of trips out and about I expect, and plenty of big cooking sessions too(we always send her home with a selection of meals for her freezer). I'll make the most of it though, because we're getting a new kitchen very soon and in the week or so that it is out of action I will miss the simple pleasures of home cooking. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/08/29/truly-scrumptious-4654076/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-07-07:/2008/07/07/can-you-tell-what-it-is-yet-4414850/Laurence20042008-07-07T13:14:48+02:002008-07-07T13:14:48+02:00 <p>Okay then. Let's see if I can get back into doing this on something approaching a regular basis...</p> <p>I'm not quite sure what led me to remember, but the other day I suddenly found myself thinking about my old chemistry teacher Mr West.</p> <p>Mr West was not, in the nicest possible way, a normal man. Once a year, if you were very 'lucky', he would offer to show the class his repertoire of impressions. He didn't do people or celebrities though, he did animals and objects. The impressions were the stuff of unfortunate legend, and consequently everyone wanted to see them. One fine day, our time finally came.</p> <p>The impressions session began with the locking of the classroom door. This in itself should have been something of a bad sign, but nothing prepares you for the full onslaught of Mr West's creativity.</p> <p>The highlight was his impression of a cooked breakfast. He would begin by bashing himself quite hard on the head, and then convincingly 'drip' like raw egg onto the floor, where he would then pop and fizzle in his imaginary frying pan. We sat there aghast as he repeatedly thrus his groinal region into the air as the 'yolk' cooked. He would then roll around, declaring that "I am a sausage".</p> <p>I don't think you'll find this kind of thing on the syllabus any more. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/07/07/can-you-tell-what-it-is-yet-4414850/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-05-21:/2008/05/21/bargain-hunting-for-mugs-4201854/Laurence20042008-05-21T08:55:14+02:002008-05-21T08:55:14+02:00 <p>The Supermarket gets me every time.</p> <p>No matter how thoroughly you plan, and no matter how firm you believe you're being with yourself, you will always emerge from the supermarket with a bag full of crap. It's guaranteed.</p> <p>Fact number one: I <strong>don't</strong> require 12 pork pies.<br> Fact number two: Thanks to the miracle of 'buy one get one free' (free! It's FREE, dammit!), I have 12 pork pies in my fridge.</p> <p>And so it goes on. In the fruit juice aisle, they offer you 'Any three for...', followed by the statement 'this means you will save...', followed by a pleasingly large number. But the truth is that you will save even more by <em>only buying the one carton you were intending to get in the first place</em>! I'm just too weak-willed, and will inevitably decide I need three cartons. Or perhaps six?</p> <p>I read somewhere recently that to have too much choice is to sow the seeds of confusion. Yes, absolutely! Don't make me choose between 24 varieties of jam, I just can't cope. Panic buying for me doesn't mean going home with eight loaves of bread. It means going home with a bag of olive & oregano focaccia because the pressure was just too much.</p> <p>In other news, Sparkle our completely dotty cat has started to explore downstairs on a vaguely regular basis. This is progress. She has also decided she loves to claw the rug in our bedroom at 6am. This is NOT progress. I think it is purely an attention seeking device, because once one of us sits up to tell her off she will stop scratching and purr contentedly. Job done. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/05/21/bargain-hunting-for-mugs-4201854/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-04-16:/2008/04/16/the-language-of-restaurants-4052213/Laurence20042008-04-16T15:27:01+02:002008-04-16T15:27:01+02:00 <p>I hope this doesn't sound offensive, but I think that babies and cats are very similar.</p> <p>Fiona and I have a young cat, and our friends Pete and Becky have twin baby boys. They act the same! A tickled head results in a squeal (or purr) of delight, either of them might decide to chew on your finger without warning, and just when you think you're forming a special bond with them, they curl up and go to sleep. One thing the babies do that our cat thankfully doesn't do is pull down ladies tops to try and access some breast milk. Apparently the twins are very good at doing this in public. The worst thing Sparkle has ever done in front of a guest is lick her bottom.</p> <p>I was able to establish these similarities because a large group of us went out for a meal last night and the twins came along for the ride. The food was delicious but we were frustrated by the constant interruptions to our meal from an over-enthusiastic soundsystem playing 'Congratulations' by Cliff Richard every five minutes. I can understand that restaurants might want to make a fuss of birthday groups in the hope that they will generate repeat business, but why does this have to involve the whole restaurant?</p> <p>By the fourth time the opening bars of Cliff's Eurovision winner began to echo around the restaurant, I felt like walking up to the hapless birthday boy, blowing out his candles and shoving his face into his cake.</p> <p>"Well done, you're a year older! Now shut up and leave me in peace to enjoy my overpriced rack of ribs."</p> <p>Just before I left the restaurant I visited the loo, as you do, and discovered that something rather unusual was playing over the speakers (why do they pipe music into the toilets? It's the last place anyone wants to get down and boogie). It was, I kid you not, a 'teach yourself Spanish' CD. The restaurant, who shall remain nameless, have obviously decided that what we need most when relieving ourselves is to learn how to ask for directions to the train station in a foreign language. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/04/16/the-language-of-restaurants-4052213/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-04-14:/2008/04/14/shed-six-4042199/Laurence20042008-04-14T11:33:31+02:002008-04-14T11:33:31+02:00 <p><a href="http://dura.cell.free.fr/home/swf/arms12.swf">THIS ANIMATION </a>will keep you entertained for all of thirty seconds. Your cursor is the red ball. Move it around between the different people and they will 'play catch' with it.</p> <p>In other news, I put up a shed over the weekend! Well, I say 'I', it actually took six of us about 10 hours to construct, including laying heavy paving slabs for the base and getting everything level. Let's hope it's watertight. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/04/14/shed-six-4042199/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-03-18:/2008/03/18/beauty-in-the-heather-3899953/Laurence20042008-03-18T14:15:40+01:002008-03-18T16:13:07+01:00 <p><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jv5MvIyFvCg">THIS IS A GREAT LITTLE VIDEO</a>. It makes the point that the idea of 'beauty', as portrayed by countless fashion magazines, is total nonsense. We all know this of course, but this rams the point home once and for all.</p> <p>In other news, I'm still trying to figure out why Heather Mills deserves such a huge slice of Sir Paul McCartney's fortune (£24.3 million awarded). If I were the judge, I'd have bunged her a million and told her to shove off. It's not like she had a long, happy marriage with the guy, is it. Plus, she's not even trying to maintain a positive media image any more. She threw water over Sir Paul's lawyer! And then launched into a major rant in front of the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uwu1gKdAvmA">assembled press...</a></p> <p>Blah, blah, blah. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/03/18/beauty-in-the-heather-3899953/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-03-17:/2008/03/17/horrifying-bug-of-the-day-3895030/Laurence20042008-03-17T13:56:09+01:002008-03-17T13:56:09+01:00 <p>My dear brother is living in Japan at the moment, and this brute is native to him!<br> <img src="http://cdn-www.cracked.com/articleimages/wong/gianthornet1.jpg" alt="" title=""></p> <p>The Japanese giant hornet. Lovely.</p> <p>Apparently it can spray flesh melting poison. Uuurgh. It'll happily chase you for up to 50 miles, and once it's squirted you other hornets in the area can smell you, find you and get stuck in to a jolly fun stinging session.</p> <p>Just thought I'd share.</p> <p>In other news, our cat Sparkle has settled down a lot since her arrival three and a half weeks ago. She still gets extremely jumpy at unfamiliar sounds (sizzling sausages sends her scampering for cover), but generally speaking she's much happier. Perhaps too happy - she likes to sleep on our bed at night, and cries if she isn't allowed. This issue still needs to be resolved! I don't mind either way particularly, but having a vibrating (purring) cat across your legs at 4am can be disconcerting. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/03/17/horrifying-bug-of-the-day-3895030/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-02-25:/2008/02/25/cat_tails~3777063/Laurence20042008-02-25T10:42:06+01:002008-02-25T10:42:06+01:00 <p>It was dark.</p> <p>We were led around the outside of the house to a shed, accompanied by loud barkings and the sound of straining leashes.</p> <p>The lady unlocked the shed door and led us into a cold, gloomy interior. Cages were stacked two or three high, and most were occupied. Our arrival was greeted with a chorus of startled cat noises. Many of the animals were kittens, and most of them sat up to see what was going on. Some put on little performances, rolling over and over, flashing their bellies. Cute, but we weren't there to see them.</p> <p>There she was in front of us - Sparkle. Slightly older than most of the cats (indeed she was mother to some of them), she blinked and stretched. She wasn't particlularly pleased to see us, but then why would she be? She's been badly treated by humans her whole life so far. Her arrival at the rescue shelter hopefully marks a turning point for her, and the start of a comfortable, happy life (no pressure on us, then!).</p> <p>We eased her into her new cage (which she will grow to hate; it will only be used for trips to bad places like the vet or the cattery) and popped her into the car. After a flurry of protests, she settled down for the journey home.</p> <p>Fiona and I were very excited to have a cat, but for the first couple of hours she just hid under a table! She's terrified, even now. She has explored the house a bit, and chose to sleep with us on our bed the first night. She likes beds. In fact she now hides in the spare bed every morning, refusing to leave it until mid afternoon. At least she knows what to do with a litter tray!</p> <p>I hope she settles down and relaxes soon. I'll let you know. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/02/25/cat_tails~3777063/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-02-15:/2008/02/15/location_location_location~3731488/Laurence20042008-02-15T14:05:11+01:002008-02-15T14:05:11+01:00 <p>It seems like you are able to get married in more and more unusual places these days. This is a good thing if you want a civil ceremony, but don't want the cloying stuffiness and depressive atmosphere of the average regsistry office. You can marry in all kinds of beautiful locations. Both my uncles picked particularly characterful places to get married, but my friend Mel wins top prize I think for choosing the magnificent Cheltenham Pump Rooms. It was a glorious setting, enhanced greatly by the bright sunshine.</p> <p>Anyway, I was musing on all this yesterday as I was booking tickets for a show on the Wales Millennium Centre website, and noticed that the stage of the main auditorium is now a possible location for a wedding. Wow! What particularly amused me though was their assertion that "your guests could be seated on the stage sharing the occasion, or they may take their seat in the auditorium to watch the happy couple sign the <strong>registrar</strong>." Now <em>that</em> sounds like fun!</p> <p>Think you have a good vocabulary? Wanna prove it, punk? Take a look here:<br> <a href="http://www.freerice.com/">www.freerice.com</a><br> Play the game, test your word knowledge, and watch as you earn more and more rice to donate to the third world. I'm always slightly sceptical about the claims made on these sites; 'Click here, click there, do this, do that, we'll feed the starving'. It's all done through advertising revenue apparently. Worth a go, I reckon. At the moment I'm hovering around level 38/39 with my vocab. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/02/15/location_location_location~3731488/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-01-18:/2008/01/18/big_pie~3594761/Laurence20042008-01-18T09:49:46+01:002008-01-18T11:09:48+01:00 <p>Slice up that pie!<br> I have a great website to reccommend to you today, one that I came across the other evening while looking for some interesting (i.e. non-chart, upcoming, unsigned etc) music to listen to.</p> <p><a href="http://www.slicethepie.com/">Slice The Pie</a> is stuffed full of goodies to hear. In fact I think I could comfortably sit and listen all day if allowed to. Which I'm not! But here's the killer selling point... the website pays you to listen. Yeah! I think I have your attention now. It's not a strenuous process, you are forced to listen to at least 60 seconds of music (be aware that much of it may not be to your taste, or could be absolute rubbish, so it literally pays to have an open mind), and then you must rate the tune out of 10 and post a comment (2 sentences maximum). Job done! If you're relatively new to the site you get a massive 3 pence for your efforts, but do it regularly and you could see that amount double or treble.</p> <p>For a music fan it's great to be able to hear brand new stuff and get given a few quid for doing so. For the artists it's even better, because once a month they put forward the twenty highest rated musicians into a showcase, the winner of which will get the chance to record and release a proper album! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/01/18/big_pie~3594761/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-01-16:/2008/01/16/cold_toes~3585777/Laurence20042008-01-16T15:18:17+01:002008-01-16T15:20:02+01:00 <p>I can't stand waking up early, when it's dark outside and you have to leave the warmth of the duvet behind. The solution, it seems, is to wake up <em>even earlier</em>.</p> <p>I have discovered the delights of Sarah Kennedy's good humoured amble through the morning papers on Radio 2, which seems to be the perfect method of rousing yourself from a deep slumber. Honestly, what would you prefer? An abrasive BEEP BEEP BEEP in your left ear (that's actually the noise of Chris Moyles screaming into my bedroom from his Radio 1 studio), or a soothing voice telling you that Peter Hain is an incompetent politician? (Which is brilliant, by the way. Imagine if you orchestrated an enormous cock up at work, and then your boss stood up to reassure everyone that it didn't matter because you were simply incompetent. Hurrah! No worries there then.)</p> <p>Anyway, the point is that by 7am I am feeling gently enlightened enough to be able to stagger out of bed and into the shower, and by the time I reach the car I'm ready for 100mph Moyles. Besides, if this new morning routine stops working, I always have my lovely wife beside me, who's happily prepared to rip the duvet off me and give me a playful kick in the right direction. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/01/16/cold_toes~3585777/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2008-01-14:/2008/01/14/back_to_blogging~3575144/Laurence20042008-01-14T14:59:21+01:002008-01-14T14:59:21+01:00 <p>At the risk of sounding incredibly self indulgent, I thought I should start the new year with a post about how wonderful everything is. I know of course that, in the much wider sense of the world at large, it isn't, but if you're reading this and feeling in a reasonably cheerful mood, then I cordially invite you to join me in a spot of self-congratulatory wallowing.</p> <p>The best thing of all, of course, is being married! I have a loving wife, we are living in a comfortable home, and everything is new and exciting. It's a massive adjustment, and we're only a week in so it's still the honeymoon period (as it were), but hopefully this is the start of something brilliant and long lasting!</p> <p>But what of the honeymoon itself? Well, we started off at the preposterously palatial St David's Hotel in Cardiff, which was the kind of place that is happy to rob your bank account while offering a 24 hour shoe polishing service. No really, you can get a shoe shine at 3am if you want. Okay so it's a very expensive establishment but I've never experienced service like it and probably never will again. They cooked some of the best food I've ever eaten, and they put expensive mineral salts in the swimming pool.</p> <p>How could we top that? Well, we went here...</p> <p><img src="http://www.littleuptonfarm.co.uk/pictures/little_upton_view.jpg" alt="" title=""></p> <p>to stay here!</p> <p><img src="http://www.littleuptonfarm.co.uk/pictures/cote_dining.jpg" alt="" title=""></p> <p>That's the Isle of Wight, if you're a little unsure. We had a beautiful cottage in which to relax and properly unwind after what had been a very stressful few months. We could reflect on what had been a very happy wedding day, and look to the future together. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2008/01/14/back_to_blogging~3575144/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-11-30:/2007/11/30/flipside~3375585/Laurence20042007-11-30T17:23:24+01:002007-11-30T17:23:24+01:00 <p><img src="http://www.comics.com/comics/reality/archive/images/reality2007166671129.gif" alt="" title=""></p> <p><strong>...Of The Year.</strong><br> You can read a lot of this type of thing in the newspapers at the moment, a parade of writers queueing up to try and tell us what our favourite band/tv show/film/book/biscuit of the year ought to be. There is also the flipside of this, with columnists being equally keen to tell us what <em>sucked</em> in 2007.</p> <p>Personally speaking, I have been enjoying listening to Scouting For Girls, the new Editors album, the new Go! Team album, and just about anything coming out of Colin Murray's '<a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/colinmurray/blackhole.shtml">black hole</a>' on radio 1 (not as disturbing as it sounds).</p> <p>On the television, Top Gear continues to make me cry with laughter, and I've loved every second of Dragon's Den. I've even enjoyed some of Strictly Come Dancing, although of course I would never publicly admit that.</p> <p>Films - that's a tough one, I haven't felt that it's been a particularly wonderful year, but I had great fun watching The Bourne Ultimatum, and my tip for 'hidden gem of the year' would be Kenny, an australian film about a portaloo company, done in a mockumentary style.</p> <p>I haven't read much this year. Shame on me! I have just finished reading Derren Brown's 'Trick Of The Mind', which features some excellent writing on improving memory, and also completely demystifies hypnotism and so-called 'powers' of clairvoyancy, stripping them both down to their very ordinary roots in magical trickery and suggestion techniques. I shall have to persue some further reading, I think.</p> <p>On the blogging front, I am a daily reader of Richard Herring's sublime <a href="http://www.richardherring.com/warmingup/">Warming Up</a>, a very frank (you have been warned) daily diary about his life and any other subject that floats across his pedantic brain. Amongst people I actually know, the legendary <a href="http://pantperthog.blogspot.com/">Jon M</a> has kept me amused for hours.</p> <p>So on the flipside, then, Shrek The Turd did not amuse at all, the latest Terry Pratchett book (Making Money) was a let down after some his other recent efforts, and who the hell thought it would be a good idea to give Jordan and Peter Andre their own chat show?!</p> <p>In other news, I've been with Fiona a whole year today! It's been amazing, we've had highs and lows as you might expect, but definitely come out of the last twelve months knowing it's very right, and looking foward to the marriage. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/11/30/flipside~3375585/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-11-27:/2007/11/27/how_much~3359401/Laurence20042007-11-27T14:14:03+01:002007-11-27T14:14:03+01:00 <p>Money versus job satisfaction.<br> It's a tough one. How much time, dignity and hair would you be willing to sacrifice for a big fat pay cheque? And for that matter, what would you class as 'a big fat pay cheque'?</p> <p>There are plenty of people out there who are quite willing to be at their desks by 8.00am, and don't plan to leave before 7.30pm. Why?? You may argue that your job requires it; it's <em>expected</em> of you, or you simply won't be able to get all your work done otherwise. But frankly, what's the point? You're not going to have a social life that way, are you.</p> <p>Some offices even provide showers and beds! 'Your home life is screwed, so why even bother attempting to have one?' says the imaginary slogan above the front door.</p> <p>Anyway, for what it's worth, to experience the kind of work life described above I would not expect to be paid less than £40k.<br> For £45k, I would also be prepared to work while dressed as a smurf.<br> For £50k, I'd be quite happy to work while dressed as <em>smurfette</em>.<br> For £75k, you can have me in work for sixteen hours a day and I'll spend the whole time simultaneously working and eating my own snot.<br> For £100k, I will work for twenty hours a day, shoot myself in the leg every three hours, and drink nothing but water contaminated with legionaires disease. That's fair, I think.<br> For £150k, I'll be prime minister. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/11/27/how_much~3359401/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-11-23:/2007/11/23/can_you_hear_me_no~3341762/Laurence20042007-11-23T17:33:48+01:002007-11-23T17:33:48+01:00 <p>Well, what a trip. I was working on events down in Southampton and Exeter, having lots of fun although it was, as ever, extremely hard graft. There's nothing quite like falling into bed at 1.30am, all sweaty and knackered, to make you yearn for your desk. I do love being on the road, but I could never do it full time.</p> <p>On the second night we were in a leisure centre in Exeter (rock n' roll, I know! Cornish comedian Jethro was playing the same venue later in the week! Actually, in Southampton we were using dressing rooms that had been used by Biffy Clyro the previous night, so that was fun. We contemplated throwing the television out of the window, but decided against it.) Rob, our main speaker, was in full flow with his amusing anecdotes on the subject of Teenagers when suddenely WUMPH! Everything faded to black.</p> <p>'Bing bong': "Would the house technician please report to reception immediately", said the tannoy. Something had gone majorly wrong with the electrics, but Rob ploughed bravely on, in near darkness, with no amplification. "I might take a little break, then come back on", he bellowed at the audience.</p> <p>There was bellowing after the Southampton event, as we went in search of food but could find nothing more sophisticated than a KFC that was still open. Within those hallowed walls we found a very drunk man trying to order a kebab.</p> <p>"Duck you!" he slurred, "I want a ducking kebab!"<br> "Zinger Tower?" proffered the youth behind the counter.</p> <p>They came to a compromise in the end. The drunk man didn't get his kebab, but instead left with the last 10 pieces of chicken they had. I bet he felt wonderful in the morning. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/11/23/can_you_hear_me_no~3341762/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-11-19:/2007/11/19/bang_the_drum~3320645/Laurence20042007-11-19T17:22:11+01:002007-11-19T17:22:11+01:00 <p>Last week I was drummed into submission at the Cardiff Millennium Centre. I went with Fi to see Stomp, and it was absolutely fantastic. I was a bit worried at whether an extended bout of banging and scraping could really hold my attention for any longer than about twenty minutes, but the answer was a resounding yes.</p> <p>They throw so much humour into the show, for a start. They aren't just percussionsists, they all have their own distint personalities, from the leader of the 'clan', to the outsider of the group who tries (and usually fails) to get his drumming prowess noticed by everyone else. There's a nice running joke about the size of his drum compared to everyone elses, but he gets the last laugh as he comes on at the end for his own special encore.</p> <p>The other way this show holds your attention is through the sheer variety of skillful routines they have put together. Everything, literally including the kitchen sink, is used as a percussion instrument. The showstopping routines, though, involve them using the whole set (constructed from big heaps of junk) as their drum kit. The finale is deafeningly spectacular. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/11/19/bang_the_drum~3320645/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-11-05:/2007/11/05/wakey_wakey~3248791/Laurence20042007-11-05T14:15:16+01:002007-11-05T14:15:16+01:00 <p>What's the most unusual place I have ever woken up? Well, that would have to be Switzerland. Geneva, to be exact, not to far away from the big lake they have there, under an archway.</p> <p>It was my worst nightmare come true. I was doing the tremendously exciting but equally cliched thing of travelling round Europe on a train. My A Levels were behind me, as was the washkit I hadn't packed for reasons of space, and with two mates in tow we set off abroad - without a plan, without accommodation booked, but with vast amounts of sandwiches (aren't mums great!).</p> <p>On reflection, trying to get round Europe without reserving any accommodation before you set off is a silly idea. Particualrly as this was the height of Summer. We managed to fluke our way through Amsterdam, Cologne, Prague, Budapest, Vienna, Venice and Rome, but eventually we had to come unstuck, didn't we.</p> <p>We pulled into Geneva station quite late at night, which didn't help, and were greeted with the news that a major international firework festival was taking place and if we wanted a room anywhere then we should have made a booking about, oh, four years ago. The fireworks were fantastic, mind you. Afterwards, the crowds dispersed and we were left alone in a small park, sat on a bench, feeling sorry for ourselves. To complete the picture of dispair, it started to pour with rain. The wind howled, thunder boomed, and lightning streaked across the sky.</p> <p>At this point we sensibly decided to run off (in completely seperate directions, naturally) to seek shelter. I ended up huddling in the doorway of a hotel with my sleeping bag uselessly draped around me. How classy! Several hours later, after the rain had stopped at around 4.30am, we met back up. My mate had found the best place to shelter, a secluded spot under an archway. "Don't worry!" he said, there's food for you. He proffered a small, soggy bread roll. I think I may have wanted to punch him at that point. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/11/05/wakey_wakey~3248791/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-10-30:/2007/10/30/doggy_do_dah~3219824/Laurence20042007-10-30T18:09:39+01:002007-10-30T18:09:39+01:00 <p>There were open hostilities on the streets of Cardiff last night, but from a slightly unexpected source. The dogs were <em>angry</em>. They weren't proper dogs mind you, more this kind of thing:</p> <p><img src="http://www.dogdoright.com/images/littledog2.jpg" alt="" title=""></p> <p>This is not a proper dog! If you own one of these, what on earth were you thinking? And please tell me you don't force it to wear vile doggy clothing... </p> <p>Anyway, I was wandering around my neighbourhood yesterday evening, minding my own business, when I almost tripped over a ball of fur in a coat. To my right, a second lump of hairy silliness was staring off into the middle distance. As I followed the dog's gaze, I could see a lady of late-middle age flapping her arms in a 'poultry' kind of motion. As if this wasn't amusing enough, she was wearing the kind of outfit that went out of fashion in the late 1800s. I can only guess that she was trying to round up her precious mutts, but they were having none of it and I can't really say that I blame them. It was a very strange moment, and I felt caught up in it when both dogs turned to me with emploring eyes: "Please, take us away!" Fat chance. I saw the lady again this morning, and she hadn't changed her clothes. I can only assume that she had spent all night trying to gather together her small canine fraternity. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/10/30/doggy_do_dah~3219824/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-10-29:/2007/10/29/i_m_still_alive~3212904/Laurence20042007-10-29T13:32:28+01:002007-10-29T14:35:51+01:00 <p>Yes, it has been far too long since my dear little site last had an update. The reason for this is not wanting it to turn into one long rant about how difficult and time consuming it is to re-decorate a house. There was a real danger, for quite a time, that I would have used it as a forum to vent my copious but largely uninspiring frustrations about anything from thermostats to unhelpful chavs who come in the dead of night to steal your wheelie bin (Why? What are you going to do with it?!)</p> <p>Fiona and I, plus a small but willing band of helpers, have been slaving away for over two weeks now, and things are really starting to come together, although I am still discovering a multitude of delightful little quirks that need ironing out. Who knew, for example, just how ingrained with 50-year-old urine our bathroom floor would be, once we crowbarred up the old lino to have a good look at it? I think this definitely wins my 'Most Haunting Smell Of The Weekend' award. I need a holiday, I think. And some air freshener.</p> <p>I am fundamentally in love with a chinese restaurant just round the corner from my house. It's not the food particularly, but the whole package, from the naff pictures on the wall of their food (that bear no resemblance whatsoever to the dishes that arrive at your table) to the pleasing lack of any piped music. Top of the list, though, has to be their set price menus, offering far too much choice, all freshly cooked to order. How often have you been to one of these 'One Price Buffet' establishments, only to discover that all the dishes have been sitting under a heat lamp for at least five weeks already? Chicken chow mein has become 'shoe leather in sludge', and the less said about the egg fu yung the better, really. The last time I was in one of these places, I was with my parents I think, and at one point we went up to re-fill our plates only to discover on our return to the table that they had swiftly removed all our half finished drinks becuase they thought we'd left! That's how quick their table turnaround needs to be! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/10/29/i_m_still_alive~3212904/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-09-26:/2007/09/26/title~3042733/Laurence20042007-09-26T14:08:04+02:002007-09-26T14:11:15+02:00 <p>I find it amusing that this country's education and families secretary is called Ed Balls. There, I said it. I snigger every time I hear it on the news. Right, I'm glad I got that out of my system...</p> <p>One of the things we do here at my office is produce books and DVDs on general marriage and parenting issues. Our latest titles are re-vamped, re-filmed versions of material that we've had out for years already. The new releases are called 21st Century Marriage, and 21st Century Parent.</p> <p>Yesterday, it was decided that someone might like to write some spoof articles for our staff intranet called 19th Century Marriage and 19th Century Parent. I bravely stepped up to the plate, but it seems that the resulting articles have been deemed too inappropriate to put on an official work site. <em>Quel Surprise</em>. The parenting one didn't get finished, but In order to preserve the marriage one for prosperity, just in case it never gets published anywhere else, I thought I'd stick it up here:</p> <p><strong><u>19th Century Marriage</u></p> <p>Every man who takes for himself a wife hopes that she will be a suitable mother and home maker. In his new manuscript, Robert Parsonage examines what it means to be the strict head of the household whilst maintaining a gay atmosphere in the home.</p> <p>One always hopes that a marriage will last a lifetime, perhaps 20 years or more! However, the pressures on marriage are now greater than ever. A man is expected to allow his wife to find employment of her own, for example, or hire her own maidservant. This can be extremely disruptive to the smooth running of a household, and this is just one of the issues that Mr Parsonage discusses, in candid fashion.</p> <p>Other topics covered include:</p> <p>• Increasing your social network to find a suitable match<br> • Keeping your distance until she is ‘of age’, and other issues arising from the courting process<br> • What’s love got to do with it?<br> • Why the modern woman will not appreciate you having a mistress<br> • No means No! How to explain that your opinion is the only one that counts<br> • God Created Man First – an explanation of the Almighty’s design for holy matrimony<br> • Children aren’t an irritating by-product of marriage – they’re free labour</p> <p>For over 20 years, Robert Parsonage has been a money lender in Cleethorpes. Now, for the first time, he humbly presents some of his ideas on paper to you, the man of the house, and trusts that you will find them informative and insightful.</strong></p> <p><strong>For an additional fee, Robert would be delighted to come and read a selection of extracts from his book in your own drawing room. Please note though that crying children will not be welcome in the room, and you are politely requested to ensure a turnout of at least 200 gentlemen. The cost of this service will be 20 guineas, which cannot be refunded.</strong> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/09/26/title~3042733/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-09-24:/2007/09/24/intoxicating~3031866/Laurence20042007-09-24T14:20:01+02:002007-09-24T14:20:01+02:00 <p>The village where I work, Taffs Well, is full of lovely people, but they all seem to be chain-smoking alcoholics.</p> <p>This is my impression, based on daily observations down at the local Co-Op store (other supermarkets are available). There they will all be, in the queue ahead of me, with perhaps a dozen or so items in their basket (apple, pork chop, shampoo etc), and just as it comes to the point of payment they will suddenly say, "Oh yes, and 3 bottles of your cheapest Scotch please, and 400 Rothmans." I imagine there's a community centre where they all go and sit around, getting legless while trying to perfect 'the cough'.</p> <p>I'm only guessing of course, but there does seem to be a very specific breed of local resident around these here parts. You can normally spot them a mile off. Their eyes have a kind of soupy detachment which speak of long nights trying to cook dinner whilst half cut on whisky.</p> <p>As I said, they're all very friendly. The local shop is the only place I know where all the staff have bothered to remember all their customers' names, mine included. I just find it mildly puzzling, the sheer quantity of booze and fags that seems to be leaving that place on a daily basis. Certainly, the smoking ban is never going to lead to the demise of cigarettes while we still have places like Taffs Well. They will keep on flying the flag for tobacco. If they can stand up. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/09/24/intoxicating~3031866/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-09-21:/2007/09/21/just_a_bit~3017601/Laurence20042007-09-21T14:07:39+02:002007-09-21T14:07:39+02:00 <p>For the first time since moving in to my current house, I have had to queue for the shower. This wasn't particularly helpful, because my time keeping is spectacularly bad, and my entire morning routine revolves around split second timing. Eventually I scrubbed the dirt from myself and returned, gleaming, to my room. Standing there, pretty much with no clothes on, I looked down to find <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/09/20/special_pooch~3011742">the dog</a> staring back up at me with a cheeky grin on his face. "Good morning!", he didn't say. "Aaaaaargh!", said I. I think that the dog was jealous. His reproductive bits were removed many years ago.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/09/21/just_a_bit~3017601/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>tag:swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk,2007-09-20:/2007/09/20/special_pooch~3011742/Laurence20042007-09-20T14:31:57+02:002007-09-20T14:33:20+02:00 <p>I don't believe it. I'm living with a celebrity dog.</p> <p>About a week ago I came home to find that all was not well. I crossed the threshold, and straight away I felt a throbbing in my right leg. What could the problem be? Was this the onset of Deep Vein Thrombosis? Nope... looking down, I discovered that an enthusistic chocolate coloured dog was thwacking his tail repeatedly against my calf. I took this to mean "Hello!" To be honest, a firm handshake would have been preferable.</p> <p>This dog is nuts. He clearly suffers from some kind of insecurity complex, as he loves to take cover under tables or chairs if it feels anxious. Mind you, that doesn't stop him from having a good sniff round my room if I leave the bedroom door open.</p> <p>Last night, we were all sat around chewing the fat (literally in my case - I was working my way thorugh a lamb curry), when Helen casually dropped into the conversation that the dog used to belong to this person:</p> <p><img src="http://estb.msn.com/i/B7/5A7BB6CCE2FC8F485912B9164ABBB.jpg" alt="" title=""></p> <p>Yes, it's the posh English one form Buffy. Or the prime minister from Little Britian. Or 'that bloke from the coffee ads'. However you know him.</p> <p>I thought this was quite a cool claim to fame, but Helen took it in her stride. "Yes, I have an ex celebrity dog. But I still have to take him out to do a crap every evening."</p> <p>The dog's only with us for one more week. I must get it's autograph at some point. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://swanssherbetcoathangers.blog.co.uk/2007/09/20/special_pooch~3011742/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>